Rest, what's that?

Rest? Ha! Clearly that word just isn't in the vocabulary of a mom.

The latest dilemma was getting sick...again. This cold & flu season has been brutal for everyone. The boys got it first and ended up giving it to me. It landed us all in the doctor's office last week. The bad news came in that my asthma isn't under control and I needed to add another inhaler to the mix (on top of some other meds for the upper respiratory infection I had). Talk about feeling defeated. I had gone so long in getting it under control that the last thing I wanted was to add an inhaler back to the mix. Bah. My doc saw the look of defeat in my eyes and told me above all the meds she was giving me, the biggest one was to REST. Seems easy, right? Not really...not when you have 2 miserable and sick kiddos who want nothing more than mommy to make them feel better. Or the fact that her REST Rx means taking off of running for at least 2-3 weeks when you know that you are almost down to less than 3 months from race day. How the heck am I going to do this knowing every day is one day less in my training? 

I'm starting to panic and get anxious. Again, the words just keep echoing: REST. You won't do yourself, your family and certainly your training any good without it. So each day I'm doing just that. Resting. I'm trying not to focus on my training calendar that has notes of 'sick day' instead of notes of how I felt after or during a run. I'm instead filling it up with some motivational quotes and anything to keep my chin up. Maybe it's time to start a countdown on the calendar of when I can work towards an actual run?! In any case, during this rest period I'm doing a lot more soul-searching. I can't really put my finger on it but something has been holding me back from pushing myself. Is it fear of failure? Probably. Is it laziness? Hmm, not sure. Low self esteem? Lack of confidence? Pretty good chance those are some factors, too. I gave myself small goals just so I could try to stay on track. And maybe in doing that, I set myself up for never really taking a chance.

I do know this: I have overcome so many things in recent years. It wasn't that long ago that getting myself up in the morning to face a day where all I really wanted to do was wallow in sadness or crawl into a hole and never come out was really the only goal I had. I just need to dig a little deeper and find that spark that will get me to my next goal. It's not going to be an easy road (and I wouldn't expect it to). It's just another road that will take me a little longer to navigate through.