Lighting the fire in me

Here I am again...dusting myself off and getting back out there. It seems like it's been forever. And if you look at my stats via DailyMile & Nike+ GPS, it has been a long time. But I can either sit here and continue to hem and haw while getting myself worked up over the glaring training plan staring at me, or actually do something about it. I chose to do something about it.

I had to look long and hard at my training plan since I haven't kept up with it lately. And then I had to re-evaluate what I really wanted my goals to be for the upcoming 1/2 marathon and just with my running as a whole. I needed to stop comparing myself to other runners and focus on ME. I basically started to get depressed and it took a beating on my self-esteem. I almost started to resent running and wanted to give it up but deep down wasn't willing to throw in the towel completely. I know what I can do. It's just a matter of keeping those goals and focus on how much I have accomplished and continue to push on.

So Sunday was the start to a new week and the weekend was our first decent break from the nasty rainy weather we had been having. I basically psyched myself up all morning to get up the nerve and motivation to open the front door and just do it. I was more nervous about having to just walk the entire workout than anything. While getting any miles in is a huge accomplishment just thinking of walking made me feel like a failure. I put on some tunes, focused on the horizon and took in my surroundings. Suddenly, I had been jogging for more than 1/2 a mile. Then I heard the kind lady tell me I was more than halfway through my run. I was no longer anxious over the 'what ifs'. Instead I was focused on getting it done. And I did...and I was so, so happy and relieved.

I continued to ride the new wave that started to come over me and joined a small women's running group on Monday. They've been doing a group fun run every Monday for months but in true Erica fashion, I was too chicken and nervous to try it out. I know I needed it--it would keep me consistent and since it was very laid back there is no pressure. I *loved* it! The women were so nice and there were no expectations on a particular pace or distance. Most of us (there were 6 total and the first time they have had that many) stuck to just an out & back 2 miler. We all briefly chatted about our weekends, some aches & pains and what our plans were for future races. The weather was perfect and I am really looking forward to future runs with them.

I'm not too sure what it is exactly that has lighted the fire within me. Maybe I needed the extra push? A break? Both? In any case, this week is turning out to be one of the best running weeks I have had in a very long time. I'm hitting not only my mileage goals but some great times considering I have to use 2 inhalers until further notice (still something I'm not happy about but I'd rather be able to breathe & run than not doing anything). Let's hope it continues this way and only gets better. I've been leaning a lot on my running buddies and continue to be grateful for them sticking with me as go through this.

Rest, what's that?

Rest? Ha! Clearly that word just isn't in the vocabulary of a mom.

The latest dilemma was getting sick...again. This cold & flu season has been brutal for everyone. The boys got it first and ended up giving it to me. It landed us all in the doctor's office last week. The bad news came in that my asthma isn't under control and I needed to add another inhaler to the mix (on top of some other meds for the upper respiratory infection I had). Talk about feeling defeated. I had gone so long in getting it under control that the last thing I wanted was to add an inhaler back to the mix. Bah. My doc saw the look of defeat in my eyes and told me above all the meds she was giving me, the biggest one was to REST. Seems easy, right? Not really...not when you have 2 miserable and sick kiddos who want nothing more than mommy to make them feel better. Or the fact that her REST Rx means taking off of running for at least 2-3 weeks when you know that you are almost down to less than 3 months from race day. How the heck am I going to do this knowing every day is one day less in my training? 

I'm starting to panic and get anxious. Again, the words just keep echoing: REST. You won't do yourself, your family and certainly your training any good without it. So each day I'm doing just that. Resting. I'm trying not to focus on my training calendar that has notes of 'sick day' instead of notes of how I felt after or during a run. I'm instead filling it up with some motivational quotes and anything to keep my chin up. Maybe it's time to start a countdown on the calendar of when I can work towards an actual run?! In any case, during this rest period I'm doing a lot more soul-searching. I can't really put my finger on it but something has been holding me back from pushing myself. Is it fear of failure? Probably. Is it laziness? Hmm, not sure. Low self esteem? Lack of confidence? Pretty good chance those are some factors, too. I gave myself small goals just so I could try to stay on track. And maybe in doing that, I set myself up for never really taking a chance.

I do know this: I have overcome so many things in recent years. It wasn't that long ago that getting myself up in the morning to face a day where all I really wanted to do was wallow in sadness or crawl into a hole and never come out was really the only goal I had. I just need to dig a little deeper and find that spark that will get me to my next goal. It's not going to be an easy road (and I wouldn't expect it to). It's just another road that will take me a little longer to navigate through. 

How do they do it?

I have a hard time turning my brain off of all the 'what ifs', 'what I need to do', and 'oh crap, I forgot to do that' thoughts. Sometimes it really bothers me that I just can't enjoy my moments of silence or just some down time. It's especially frustrating when it's on one of my runs that I so desperately have a hard time getting out and doing in the first place. I often wonder whether it be on a run or during a little stretching session at home or DVD workout, how do they do it? And by 'they' I mean, how do other moms, working or SAHM, get out there and do it all when you have been up all night with a little one--especially when it's several nights in a row?
This is more of my vent, or whine if you will of the past 2 weeks or so. First it was me that caught some bug. I lost my voice for probably the 2nd time in my life and with it came an annoying tickle cough (annoying enough to have me use my stinking inhaler that I hate). Finally got some life back in me and last week made it back out there. Then kiddo #1 has a growth spurt...a pretty big one and with that comes a week or so of not-so-great sleep. We have these cycles every few months and I should be used to them but I'm not. And if the ultra crap-tastic sleep weren't enough, now kiddo #1 has the beginnings of a yet another bug.
So I ask, how do they do it? I'm getting super crappy sleep, have one super needy, clingy and sick kiddo, and another kiddo who just feeds off it and wants more attention than the other. I feel like I'm in a constant battle of trying to balance who gets what first and that always leads to me giving up something for myself. I feel incredibly guilty if I choose to do something for myself for 15 minutes. I know that I am harder on myself than I should be, but I just want to see an end in sight for all the crappy bumps that are screwing with my training plans. I know I still have time, but dangnabit, I'm impatient. And a worrier. And knowing there is a goal to reach and time slipping away from me I can't help but continue to think about how do they do it?