Facing the hard truth

It's not easy admitting you're wrong or have failed. Look through my latest blog posts and you'll see that behind each one I'm hiding something. I hid behind accomplishments and kept from you and myself the truth that I wasn't doing what I set out to do. I thought that if I just kept up the optimism and enthusiasm I had at the beginning of the year through all my hardships then it can only get better, right? But I was wrong. There needed to be more than that. There needed to be an ongoing change. So I lied to myself and didn't accept the changes--the positive or negative ones. And here I am, less than a month away from another half marathon race and I have failed. I have failed in that I was not consistent. I was not dedicated and I didn't accept any of the changes that came my way. So what do I do now? I've owned up to the big mistake of slacking. There's no turning the time clock back but I can keep moving forward. I will do my best with what I have given myself. I already know that a PR is highly unlikely and it will be disappointing but I know that not even starting that race will be more disappointing. I will continue to follow the mileage that's been planned out for me via my Runners World SmartCoach app, but beyond that I think my future as a runner is uncertain. What I do know is this: I love running. It gives me a break from my every day craziness. But there are many days where I don't love it. It's those days where I face my biggest fears and some harsh truths. I just don't hate it enough to give it up. Will it need to more races in my future? Who knows--but I think the first step is to set the goals that will help me succeed in being a dedicated runner.

I just finished reading John Bingham's No Need for Speed: A Beginner's Guide to the Joy of Running. Quite honestly the timing of me opening this book and reading it in one sitting couldn't have been better. Everything he writes about was basically right where I have been stuck at for probably pretty much the entire time I've been running. I was moved to tears many times throughout the book. In such a short time I have already taken so much away from his advice. I may not hit that goal I set out months ago, but there is another goal ready to take its place. And that goal should be celebrated just as much as any other. This has been a long process for me and quite possibly a never-ending one. One of his many passages have stuck with me, but for today this is the one that is keeping me focused:

"When we reject the obsession with what we wish we were and focus on what we are, the joy will follow."