The *Joys* of Running with Children

I overslept. Read: woke up at 6:15. Never in my life did I think I'd see those two terms near each other: overslept and 6:15. But it happened and I missed my early morning run.

As punishment a result, I was forced to do something I haven't done in a long time. Run with both boys. During non-napping hours. With the Beast. I thought, foolishly, that it had been a long time, maybe they'd sit there quietly taking in all the sights. Appreciating the fresh air and beauty of the trail. Hah.

Running with the boys is a whole morning endeavor. I have to pack up the entire pantry in order to attempt to keep them quiet and happy. Snacks. Water. More snacks. Books. More books. A special car for each boy. For me: nothing.

I loaded up the car. Heaved the stroller into the back. And drove to one of my favorite running spots. Well, actually it looked more like this. I chased around mini-bit trying to catch him in order to get him dressed. Ran him down. Changed him. Put on his clothes. And shoes. Off he went. Chased after big-bit. Caught him. Changed him. Put on his clothes. And shoes. Loaded the snacks into the car. Walked back into the living room which now wreaked of ass. I knew already that I had to contend with two poopy diapers. I was right. Chased down mini-bit AGAIN. Caught him. Changed his diaper. Put his clothes back on. Chased down big-big AGAIN. Changed his diaper. Put his clothes back on. Told the boys to head to car. Had to deal with mini-bit and his new Limp Noodle and Flat Board Routine. Pick him up to put him in his car seat: limp noodle. Near the car seat: flat board. Ty is in the car rooting through the inner compartment. Looking for quarters and trashing the front seat. I am slowly losing my mind and am in desperate need of a RUN. ALL OF THIS for a run. And we haven't even left the driveway yet. Hell, we aren't even all buckled into the car YET.

The boys are finally buckled in. Whining. Asking to go to the park. The bribing begins: if you guys are cooperative and let Mommy run, we'll go to the park afterward. I get to my running spot and start unloading. Stroller out. Snacks out. Water out. I am already sweating. And tired. I get Jake out of the car seat and perform the Limp Noodle and Flat Board routine once again. It's TWICE as much fun in public. Get him in. Get Ty out of the car. Buckle him in. He starts. Mommy I get out. I run. I give him some snacks and his books. I know I've got at least a few minutes of peace. I start running. FINALLY.

I run for about a quarter mile before it begins. First round of snacks: gone. Devoured. Books: read. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. I try to ignore. It only gets louder. More shrill. I offer more snacks. Crisis temporarily averted. I look down. It's only been .46 miles. Damn. I immediately realize that my goal of three miles is out. At this point, I'll take two. Seconds later, both boys done with their snacks. It begins again. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. I try to ignore, again, even though it NEVER works. About to pull my hair out, I am passed by a Mommy with a double jogger and QUIET, non-sleeping, non-whining children. I instantly hate her. I push on. Trying to console. Reason. Beg. Plead with the boys to let Mommy have her running time.

We reach the one mile marker and I feel as though I have run half a half. We turn around. I lost my mind around mile .65 and my last nerve around mile .85. I figured it couldn't get much worse. I start to slow and feel like the stroller weighs a million pounds. I look down to discover a nearly flat tire. Awesome. One mile. I can do it. Flat tire and all. Screaming, whining children. The picture of running mommyhood bliss. I FINALLY get back to the car. Only to realize that Jake lost his shoe somewhere and I missed it. Some saint of a woman had seen about a quarter of a mile back and carried it to us. I wanted to kiss her. I loved her. Really. I offered her a child in gratitude for finding Jake's shoe but she said no thanks. I didn't love her as much. Or want to kiss her.

Packed the boys up. Packed up the stroller. Looked at my Nike+. Total mileage: 2.32. Pace: 9:25. Total time: LONGEST, most dreadful 21 minutes and 53 seconds of my life. Guess who will NEVER EVER miss a morning run again. EVER.