Lighting the fire in me

Here I am again...dusting myself off and getting back out there. It seems like it's been forever. And if you look at my stats via DailyMile & Nike+ GPS, it has been a long time. But I can either sit here and continue to hem and haw while getting myself worked up over the glaring training plan staring at me, or actually do something about it. I chose to do something about it.

I had to look long and hard at my training plan since I haven't kept up with it lately. And then I had to re-evaluate what I really wanted my goals to be for the upcoming 1/2 marathon and just with my running as a whole. I needed to stop comparing myself to other runners and focus on ME. I basically started to get depressed and it took a beating on my self-esteem. I almost started to resent running and wanted to give it up but deep down wasn't willing to throw in the towel completely. I know what I can do. It's just a matter of keeping those goals and focus on how much I have accomplished and continue to push on.

So Sunday was the start to a new week and the weekend was our first decent break from the nasty rainy weather we had been having. I basically psyched myself up all morning to get up the nerve and motivation to open the front door and just do it. I was more nervous about having to just walk the entire workout than anything. While getting any miles in is a huge accomplishment just thinking of walking made me feel like a failure. I put on some tunes, focused on the horizon and took in my surroundings. Suddenly, I had been jogging for more than 1/2 a mile. Then I heard the kind lady tell me I was more than halfway through my run. I was no longer anxious over the 'what ifs'. Instead I was focused on getting it done. And I did...and I was so, so happy and relieved.

I continued to ride the new wave that started to come over me and joined a small women's running group on Monday. They've been doing a group fun run every Monday for months but in true Erica fashion, I was too chicken and nervous to try it out. I know I needed it--it would keep me consistent and since it was very laid back there is no pressure. I *loved* it! The women were so nice and there were no expectations on a particular pace or distance. Most of us (there were 6 total and the first time they have had that many) stuck to just an out & back 2 miler. We all briefly chatted about our weekends, some aches & pains and what our plans were for future races. The weather was perfect and I am really looking forward to future runs with them.

I'm not too sure what it is exactly that has lighted the fire within me. Maybe I needed the extra push? A break? Both? In any case, this week is turning out to be one of the best running weeks I have had in a very long time. I'm hitting not only my mileage goals but some great times considering I have to use 2 inhalers until further notice (still something I'm not happy about but I'd rather be able to breathe & run than not doing anything). Let's hope it continues this way and only gets better. I've been leaning a lot on my running buddies and continue to be grateful for them sticking with me as go through this.

Rest, what's that?

Rest? Ha! Clearly that word just isn't in the vocabulary of a mom.

The latest dilemma was getting sick...again. This cold & flu season has been brutal for everyone. The boys got it first and ended up giving it to me. It landed us all in the doctor's office last week. The bad news came in that my asthma isn't under control and I needed to add another inhaler to the mix (on top of some other meds for the upper respiratory infection I had). Talk about feeling defeated. I had gone so long in getting it under control that the last thing I wanted was to add an inhaler back to the mix. Bah. My doc saw the look of defeat in my eyes and told me above all the meds she was giving me, the biggest one was to REST. Seems easy, right? Not really...not when you have 2 miserable and sick kiddos who want nothing more than mommy to make them feel better. Or the fact that her REST Rx means taking off of running for at least 2-3 weeks when you know that you are almost down to less than 3 months from race day. How the heck am I going to do this knowing every day is one day less in my training? 

I'm starting to panic and get anxious. Again, the words just keep echoing: REST. You won't do yourself, your family and certainly your training any good without it. So each day I'm doing just that. Resting. I'm trying not to focus on my training calendar that has notes of 'sick day' instead of notes of how I felt after or during a run. I'm instead filling it up with some motivational quotes and anything to keep my chin up. Maybe it's time to start a countdown on the calendar of when I can work towards an actual run?! In any case, during this rest period I'm doing a lot more soul-searching. I can't really put my finger on it but something has been holding me back from pushing myself. Is it fear of failure? Probably. Is it laziness? Hmm, not sure. Low self esteem? Lack of confidence? Pretty good chance those are some factors, too. I gave myself small goals just so I could try to stay on track. And maybe in doing that, I set myself up for never really taking a chance.

I do know this: I have overcome so many things in recent years. It wasn't that long ago that getting myself up in the morning to face a day where all I really wanted to do was wallow in sadness or crawl into a hole and never come out was really the only goal I had. I just need to dig a little deeper and find that spark that will get me to my next goal. It's not going to be an easy road (and I wouldn't expect it to). It's just another road that will take me a little longer to navigate through. 

How do they do it?

I have a hard time turning my brain off of all the 'what ifs', 'what I need to do', and 'oh crap, I forgot to do that' thoughts. Sometimes it really bothers me that I just can't enjoy my moments of silence or just some down time. It's especially frustrating when it's on one of my runs that I so desperately have a hard time getting out and doing in the first place. I often wonder whether it be on a run or during a little stretching session at home or DVD workout, how do they do it? And by 'they' I mean, how do other moms, working or SAHM, get out there and do it all when you have been up all night with a little one--especially when it's several nights in a row?
This is more of my vent, or whine if you will of the past 2 weeks or so. First it was me that caught some bug. I lost my voice for probably the 2nd time in my life and with it came an annoying tickle cough (annoying enough to have me use my stinking inhaler that I hate). Finally got some life back in me and last week made it back out there. Then kiddo #1 has a growth spurt...a pretty big one and with that comes a week or so of not-so-great sleep. We have these cycles every few months and I should be used to them but I'm not. And if the ultra crap-tastic sleep weren't enough, now kiddo #1 has the beginnings of a yet another bug.
So I ask, how do they do it? I'm getting super crappy sleep, have one super needy, clingy and sick kiddo, and another kiddo who just feeds off it and wants more attention than the other. I feel like I'm in a constant battle of trying to balance who gets what first and that always leads to me giving up something for myself. I feel incredibly guilty if I choose to do something for myself for 15 minutes. I know that I am harder on myself than I should be, but I just want to see an end in sight for all the crappy bumps that are screwing with my training plans. I know I still have time, but dangnabit, I'm impatient. And a worrier. And knowing there is a goal to reach and time slipping away from me I can't help but continue to think about how do they do it?

Today, I gave up

Waved the white flag (or towel as it was). Threw in said towel.


I had high hopes for today's work out. As I was carrying my bag up the flight of stairs to they gym, I was thinking I would aim for 6 or 7, hoping there was something good on tv to distract me from the boringness that is the "dreadmill."

I started out at a 9:30 pace, going for distance today, not time. As I was chugging along, I just didn't feel right, couldn't find a groove or comfortable stride and there was absolutely nothing on tv. I tried slowing down. Speeding up. Stopped to walk for a minute and stretch a screaming Achilles tendon.

Started again, mile one clicked by. Every negative thought entered my mind and I couldn't push them out. I pushed on, sped up, slowed down, d r a g g ed myself through mile 2.

Then I did the unthinkable.

I hit the stop button.

I couldn't do it. I didn't have it today and knew I wasn't going to find it.

I decided to give myself a pass and not get down. We have 11 weeks until our race and every run can't be a good one.

Hoping the next 11 weeks go better then today!

There's a first time for everything

I've been meaning to blog about this for weeks now, but either my computer has been hijacked by my 4 year olds or I'm just too busy forgetful. I had been doing pretty darn good on my resolutions/goals this month. I've been consistent in getting out there at least 3 times a week and also trying very hard not to put a huge amount of pressure on myself. I felt good! And surprisingly relaxed about how to tackle everything from getting us ready and out the door in record times to the big 'uh-oh' moments that would come stumbling our way. This was a big first--woo hoo! 2011 was starting out on the right foot!

My other first was taking a cross-training class. April, being the amazing and uber savvy woman she is, found one being offered every weekend in January for FREE. How could anyone turn that down?! We dragged ourselves out of bed on chilly mornings and took part in what was to make us stronger and more efficient runners (read=a good ass-whooping!). After warm-ups, we did circuits of mountain climbers, planks, sit-ups, push-ups, burpees, squats...if it made us whine and grunt to the end, the trainer made us do it! I won't lie in that the first class almost paralyzed me. I was a little too eager to strut my stuff on planks and squats and it left me beyond sore for 3 days (and by that 3rd day I was kinda liking being sore because that meant I was getting stronger...or so I told myself). We were sad to see it end but walked away with some great tips and advice on how to just work in something different a few days a week. We're hoping to catch up again with the trainer and see if he'll coach us as a group. We'll keep you posted.

I had missed out on one of the training sessions because we headed on down to SoCal for a little vacay. In the itinerary was 3 days at Disneyland so I didn't put too much pressure on myself to work out before because walking around aimlessly in the park could burn some serious calories! But a fire was lit under me and we hadn't been at our destination more than a day and a half and I was chomping at the bit to get to the fitness center. Yes, you heard me right...I haven't wanted to get back on a treadmill so badly as I did during the trip. I kept telling myself that I must be sick. A treadmill is boring. SoCal peeps are gonna be watching me sweat buckets and pound along on that thing. Suddenly, I didn't care. I just wanted to be one with the treadmill. It had a built-in TV screen (goes to show you how long I've been on a treadmill), a place to hook up my iPod if I wanted and best of all it could push me harder than my own mind could (as long as I kept my fingers off the pause button and I did). I caught up on the top 20 videos/music singles of the week (and took notes on which songs need to be added to my playlist) or whatever episodes I missed of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, all while also marking my first long run of the year (yes, it was only 4 miles, but hey, I could've done nothing). I was sad to leave but we already have another trek planned in April so I won't be gone too, too long.

So there you have it...my firsts this year. The momentum has slowed a bit as the viruses have made their presence known and chaos has once again turned me upside down. Luckily, the gorgeous California 'winter' weather is keeping this chin up!

New Year. New Goals.

Ok ok, I realize it is almost the end of January. The new year is almost one month old and I am just now blogging. What can I say, between Christmas, New Years, my husband's birthday, my son's 4th birthday (4?!), I have been busy.

I don't make resolutions. I have in the past and have never been able to keep them. So this year I am setting goals and making a new plan to help achieve my running them.

Goal number 1: Cross train
I am a full time, work-out-of-the-house mom. Add in a (on a good day) one hour each way commute, I have to usually squeeze my workouts in on my lunch hour. In the past, I have always used this time to run, usually on the dreadmill. I want to get faster and stronger and I know the only way to do this is to add some cross training into my training schedule. I have started taking a spinning class at the gym and I add in some pilates after the kids go to bed. FYI, I hate planks.


Goal number 2: Get faster
This year I am going to start AND FINISH a race with April. Did you know we have yet to do that? April is a naturally fast runner. I am not. I am adding some speed workouts to my routine in hopes of staying with her, rather than drafting off of her ;-)

Goal number 3: Run a sub-2 hour half
I am hoping by doing the above, this will be the outcome. I only need to do it once and I will be happy.

Goal number 4: Have fun
During my last half (San Jose Rock and Roll), I threw all expectations out the window. I was going to run the race for fun and I did just that. And you know what? I had fun. Lots of it. Couldn't wipe the smile off my face for days after the race. So, if I reach these goals this year, awesome! If I don't, as long as I am having fun trying, then it will all be worth it.

Reflections & Resolutions

Ah, it's that time of year again. Christmas has come and gone...the mad chaos of the holidays ended as quickly as it came. So now I'm left with thinking of what to do next. As I was reading through my stocking stuffer Runner's World magazine, I kept thinking back to January 2010. The girls and I had started to exchange emails, FB posts and texts about who was running when and where and how the training was going. I really didn't kick start my training for SJR until March which meant I wasn't running more than once or twice a week until then. But I remembered how much I was running during the training and that I was running through the whining and griping of not just my own voice in my head but that of one (or sometimes 2) four year olds sitting in the Beast until I put in my mileage. I tried to think about how I got myself through all the times of self-doubt, heavy legs and whatever other excuse or distraction was looming over me at the time. And one thing kept popping up: it was April & Rachel. Without their motivation and support, I don't think I would've given it the extra push. They have brought out something in me that I really didn't know (or still don't know) existed: a love for running.

If you couldn't tell already, I am really very hard on myself. I am constantly comparing my looks, actions, accomplishments and failures to others. And then I make it worse by wondering what I should be doing to be like them so I don't have to suffer through it over and over. I don't know why I like to torture myself this way but I do. It drives my husband nuts...heck, it drives me nuts, too. But put me next to the girls on an open trail with all the days/weeks/months of gossip, gripes, and latest People magazine cover stories, and I no longer think about the insecurities. There, we are all the same. Three women just putting one foot in front of the other all while enjoying some laughs, asking for advice, and talking about that well-deserved coffee at the end. I feel at home with them there. While we all have different paces, it doesn't matter when we're together. What matters is that we have not only made the time to do something we all enjoy and love, but we made the time to share it with each other. (Yes, I'm also a sentimental and mushy kinda gal.) They've helped me realize that it doesn't matter what my pace is or how many water breaks I take or that I can't really talk and run at the same time. It's all about how I feel in the end. And I do love that running makes me feel more clear, level-headed and energized.

This past year was by far the most accomplished I have felt in a very long time when it comes to running. The amount of time and sweat I poured into training for the 2nd half marathon was unlike anything I had done before. I look forward to doing it all again and while not trying to completely overwhelm myself in the training process, up the ante. My 2011 running resolution is consistency (and hopefully adding in speed). I know that if I can remain as consistent as last year (and more) that I can accomplish even the bigger prize: a (better) PR. Because if I remain consistent, I'm hoping that will lead to more running dates {hint, hint} and that will in turn give me the extra push I need.

Happy New Year--and I look forward to some great runs! :)