Ch-ch-changes

Ah, here we are. The start of a new year. The time of year where everyone starts reflecting on where they are in life and how far they have moved forward or backward. Usually I dread the New Year, but this year it's different. I feel different. I feel stronger. Or maybe I feel empowered? Or maybe it's confidence? Whatever it is, I like it. It's something that I haven't felt in a very long time or maybe ever. 

You wouldn't know it since I never blogged about it and hardly shared much here in the past year, but I did a lot of work on myself in the past 9 months. I had lost myself in a sea of worrisome thoughts and anxiety. I neglected to take care of myself first and it showed. I put on what I thought was a brave face and this bravado that I could do anything, but in reality everyone around me knew better. Everyone except me---until it was too much to bear and things started to fall apart {for example, remember my consistency to train for another half marathon that totally fizzled? Case in point.}. I took some time to learn more about myself and my needs and what I wanted. I learned that a little goes a long way...not just 'going big or go home'. With each piece that I chipped away at myself, I started to see that I could be the person that I longed to be. I could be the mom my sons needed, the wife that my husband missed, and the friend/sister/daughter that I wanted. 

And so, it's here: 2012. New year, new goals and first & foremost: don't bite off more than I can chew. So my first goal (and only one at the moment) for 2012 is to log 35 miles before the big 3-5. Ah, yes confession #2: I have a birthday coming up. For some it's a milestone birthday---one that comes before the big four-oh, but to me, I just can't believe that *I* will be celebrating number 35. I really don't remember my previous birthdays. Sure there were some that were more memorable than others, but this is the year that I wanted to do something that I could really be proud of. Something that *I* am doing for myself and no one else. And while it isn't going to be bragging about completing the inaugural Tinkerbell 1/2 marathon at Disneyland, well, this is the next best thing. It's doable. And that is all that matters to me right now.

As far as future goals...they're in the back of my mind. They pop up when I'm in the shower or those rare quiet moments when the kids are playing peacefully, the laundry is done and dinner is almost ready. I'll jot them down and hope to share them here as I can. In the meantime, this busy mama is ready for changes. 

How I got my groove back

I've been meaning to blog about this for the entire summer but with the craziness of summer school sessions and other things it of course slipped to the bottom of the to-do list. Last few times I've been on here has been in an attempt to help get my mojo back and try to rediscover my love of running. To be honest as the SJR race got closer and closer I grew more and more anxious and started to dread it in some ways. I knew that I really wanted to run it with April and another friend, Melissa...it was just a matter of what would happen after. I didn't really need to stress too much about it because just standing at the finish line I got my answers. The happy tears, the tears of pain, the cheers,...even seeing the pure joy on the kids running their race---it all summed it up for me. This is what I want to experience over and over again.

I took my little break after the race and jumped back into it with joining the local See Jane Run group runs. They had hired a new group leader who has several marathons under her belt and she used to teach cross-country at one of the local high schools. She was full of great ideas and advice from the get-go. I have now found myself going on these group runs every Monday and Saturday (if she's available). My other runs in between have been sporadic but at least I'm doing the two.

I won't lie in that it has been so nice to not have the pressure of training for a race looming over me. By just going with the flow of some of the other runners that meet up, I'm actually improving more than I ever thought I could. Hills? Getting more doable and tolerable. Pace? About the same but I can keep up with some of the faster ones, I just can't say anything more than a few words at a time. Strength? I can say that I have pushed myself to 5 miles a couple of times already and only once did I feel it the next day. Every other time I did that I felt like I had been hit by a truck.

So there you have it, I got my running groove back. I think it might stick around a little longer this time, too. :)

Facing the hard truth

It's not easy admitting you're wrong or have failed. Look through my latest blog posts and you'll see that behind each one I'm hiding something. I hid behind accomplishments and kept from you and myself the truth that I wasn't doing what I set out to do. I thought that if I just kept up the optimism and enthusiasm I had at the beginning of the year through all my hardships then it can only get better, right? But I was wrong. There needed to be more than that. There needed to be an ongoing change. So I lied to myself and didn't accept the changes--the positive or negative ones. And here I am, less than a month away from another half marathon race and I have failed. I have failed in that I was not consistent. I was not dedicated and I didn't accept any of the changes that came my way. So what do I do now? I've owned up to the big mistake of slacking. There's no turning the time clock back but I can keep moving forward. I will do my best with what I have given myself. I already know that a PR is highly unlikely and it will be disappointing but I know that not even starting that race will be more disappointing. I will continue to follow the mileage that's been planned out for me via my Runners World SmartCoach app, but beyond that I think my future as a runner is uncertain. What I do know is this: I love running. It gives me a break from my every day craziness. But there are many days where I don't love it. It's those days where I face my biggest fears and some harsh truths. I just don't hate it enough to give it up. Will it need to more races in my future? Who knows--but I think the first step is to set the goals that will help me succeed in being a dedicated runner.

I just finished reading John Bingham's No Need for Speed: A Beginner's Guide to the Joy of Running. Quite honestly the timing of me opening this book and reading it in one sitting couldn't have been better. Everything he writes about was basically right where I have been stuck at for probably pretty much the entire time I've been running. I was moved to tears many times throughout the book. In such a short time I have already taken so much away from his advice. I may not hit that goal I set out months ago, but there is another goal ready to take its place. And that goal should be celebrated just as much as any other. This has been a long process for me and quite possibly a never-ending one. One of his many passages have stuck with me, but for today this is the one that is keeping me focused:

"When we reject the obsession with what we wish we were and focus on what we are, the joy will follow."

Week of tweaking

I've been stuck in low mileage runs for a long time. It was a comfort thing in that I knew I could at least get 2 miles in and still have time to tackle the never-ending to-do list. I have 3 training calendars (hey, I need the accountability, right?) where I have put certain mileage points on to help motivate and get me going further. I decided to take that leap this past week and jump to 4 miles.

On Monday, I was almost the solo runner for a group run at the local running store. The store employee very kindly mapped out a 4 mile out & back...the kicker? HILLS. A *big* hill. AND she wanted me to do it TWICE. I took a deep breath and without thinking twice, shrugged my shoulders and said, 'Why not?' It wasn't until I was starting to stretch that the butterflies came creeping in. I just wanted to up the ante to 4 miles...not throw in a hill repeat. Oh well--you gotta do what you gotta do to get over that slump. I challenged myself and went out and got it done. I have to admit I felt pretty damn proud of myself. :)

Usually if I get that one good run in, I start to quickly get sucked into life and will put off future workouts. Rain didn't help with that for my next scheduled run...but the next day, I went out and did it again. Another 4 miler--this time I wanted to see what I could change in my form. I haven't had my gait or running form analyzed by a professional, but I know that when I get tired or sluggish I can feel it all around. So in my start I didn't go charging down the road like I usually do. I went slllllllllooooooooooooooooooow. I felt great and was getting into a great rhythm. And if you can believe it, my 'slow' pace was actually turning out to be a faster one than my usual. As I'm chugging along I noticed that my jaw was starting to stick out and my neck muscles tensed--which usually leads to me hunching up my shoulders then my entire upper body is a big knot of tense muscles. I relaxed my jaw, gave my arms a shake and focused on just what was in front of me. Every so often I'd snap out of the negative thoughts that started to creep in and do a quick check of unclenched fists, jaw in line, and shoulders down. It sounds silly but it really worked. After that run, I wasn't nearly as sore or tight the next day.

My final tweak of the week: going LONG. And by long, I meant I was going for a 5 mile run. This was the first one since my 10K in October. I know, sad right? I know I can run that distance...I just don't do it enough. And because I don't do it enough---I consider myself slower than molasses and why bother with a long run when I know I can get a 2 miler done much quicker. With a 'no excuses' mantra going through my head at the moment combined with excitement and some stored energy I went for it. My only downfall was electronic...my Nike+ GPS decided to end the workout before it was time. It put a damper on things and I swore at the dang thing the entire way home, but I got it done. Of course looking back, I was silly to get so riled up at that thing. I knew I went the distance...I didn't need the computer to tell me so.

In hindsight, this was probably one of the best running weeks I've had in a long time. Just a couple of tweaks and it all added up to some great changes and results. I'm trying not to get overconfident but I am feeling stronger these days. I can tackle slightly more on my already full plate. I believe the race is maybe 6 weeks away...I'm too scared to look at that part of my calendar. Hopefully some more tweaking will help me overcome that fear. :)

Lighting the fire in me

Here I am again...dusting myself off and getting back out there. It seems like it's been forever. And if you look at my stats via DailyMile & Nike+ GPS, it has been a long time. But I can either sit here and continue to hem and haw while getting myself worked up over the glaring training plan staring at me, or actually do something about it. I chose to do something about it.

I had to look long and hard at my training plan since I haven't kept up with it lately. And then I had to re-evaluate what I really wanted my goals to be for the upcoming 1/2 marathon and just with my running as a whole. I needed to stop comparing myself to other runners and focus on ME. I basically started to get depressed and it took a beating on my self-esteem. I almost started to resent running and wanted to give it up but deep down wasn't willing to throw in the towel completely. I know what I can do. It's just a matter of keeping those goals and focus on how much I have accomplished and continue to push on.

So Sunday was the start to a new week and the weekend was our first decent break from the nasty rainy weather we had been having. I basically psyched myself up all morning to get up the nerve and motivation to open the front door and just do it. I was more nervous about having to just walk the entire workout than anything. While getting any miles in is a huge accomplishment just thinking of walking made me feel like a failure. I put on some tunes, focused on the horizon and took in my surroundings. Suddenly, I had been jogging for more than 1/2 a mile. Then I heard the kind lady tell me I was more than halfway through my run. I was no longer anxious over the 'what ifs'. Instead I was focused on getting it done. And I did...and I was so, so happy and relieved.

I continued to ride the new wave that started to come over me and joined a small women's running group on Monday. They've been doing a group fun run every Monday for months but in true Erica fashion, I was too chicken and nervous to try it out. I know I needed it--it would keep me consistent and since it was very laid back there is no pressure. I *loved* it! The women were so nice and there were no expectations on a particular pace or distance. Most of us (there were 6 total and the first time they have had that many) stuck to just an out & back 2 miler. We all briefly chatted about our weekends, some aches & pains and what our plans were for future races. The weather was perfect and I am really looking forward to future runs with them.

I'm not too sure what it is exactly that has lighted the fire within me. Maybe I needed the extra push? A break? Both? In any case, this week is turning out to be one of the best running weeks I have had in a very long time. I'm hitting not only my mileage goals but some great times considering I have to use 2 inhalers until further notice (still something I'm not happy about but I'd rather be able to breathe & run than not doing anything). Let's hope it continues this way and only gets better. I've been leaning a lot on my running buddies and continue to be grateful for them sticking with me as go through this.

Rest, what's that?

Rest? Ha! Clearly that word just isn't in the vocabulary of a mom.

The latest dilemma was getting sick...again. This cold & flu season has been brutal for everyone. The boys got it first and ended up giving it to me. It landed us all in the doctor's office last week. The bad news came in that my asthma isn't under control and I needed to add another inhaler to the mix (on top of some other meds for the upper respiratory infection I had). Talk about feeling defeated. I had gone so long in getting it under control that the last thing I wanted was to add an inhaler back to the mix. Bah. My doc saw the look of defeat in my eyes and told me above all the meds she was giving me, the biggest one was to REST. Seems easy, right? Not really...not when you have 2 miserable and sick kiddos who want nothing more than mommy to make them feel better. Or the fact that her REST Rx means taking off of running for at least 2-3 weeks when you know that you are almost down to less than 3 months from race day. How the heck am I going to do this knowing every day is one day less in my training? 

I'm starting to panic and get anxious. Again, the words just keep echoing: REST. You won't do yourself, your family and certainly your training any good without it. So each day I'm doing just that. Resting. I'm trying not to focus on my training calendar that has notes of 'sick day' instead of notes of how I felt after or during a run. I'm instead filling it up with some motivational quotes and anything to keep my chin up. Maybe it's time to start a countdown on the calendar of when I can work towards an actual run?! In any case, during this rest period I'm doing a lot more soul-searching. I can't really put my finger on it but something has been holding me back from pushing myself. Is it fear of failure? Probably. Is it laziness? Hmm, not sure. Low self esteem? Lack of confidence? Pretty good chance those are some factors, too. I gave myself small goals just so I could try to stay on track. And maybe in doing that, I set myself up for never really taking a chance.

I do know this: I have overcome so many things in recent years. It wasn't that long ago that getting myself up in the morning to face a day where all I really wanted to do was wallow in sadness or crawl into a hole and never come out was really the only goal I had. I just need to dig a little deeper and find that spark that will get me to my next goal. It's not going to be an easy road (and I wouldn't expect it to). It's just another road that will take me a little longer to navigate through. 

How do they do it?

I have a hard time turning my brain off of all the 'what ifs', 'what I need to do', and 'oh crap, I forgot to do that' thoughts. Sometimes it really bothers me that I just can't enjoy my moments of silence or just some down time. It's especially frustrating when it's on one of my runs that I so desperately have a hard time getting out and doing in the first place. I often wonder whether it be on a run or during a little stretching session at home or DVD workout, how do they do it? And by 'they' I mean, how do other moms, working or SAHM, get out there and do it all when you have been up all night with a little one--especially when it's several nights in a row?
This is more of my vent, or whine if you will of the past 2 weeks or so. First it was me that caught some bug. I lost my voice for probably the 2nd time in my life and with it came an annoying tickle cough (annoying enough to have me use my stinking inhaler that I hate). Finally got some life back in me and last week made it back out there. Then kiddo #1 has a growth spurt...a pretty big one and with that comes a week or so of not-so-great sleep. We have these cycles every few months and I should be used to them but I'm not. And if the ultra crap-tastic sleep weren't enough, now kiddo #1 has the beginnings of a yet another bug.
So I ask, how do they do it? I'm getting super crappy sleep, have one super needy, clingy and sick kiddo, and another kiddo who just feeds off it and wants more attention than the other. I feel like I'm in a constant battle of trying to balance who gets what first and that always leads to me giving up something for myself. I feel incredibly guilty if I choose to do something for myself for 15 minutes. I know that I am harder on myself than I should be, but I just want to see an end in sight for all the crappy bumps that are screwing with my training plans. I know I still have time, but dangnabit, I'm impatient. And a worrier. And knowing there is a goal to reach and time slipping away from me I can't help but continue to think about how do they do it?

There's a first time for everything

I've been meaning to blog about this for weeks now, but either my computer has been hijacked by my 4 year olds or I'm just too busy forgetful. I had been doing pretty darn good on my resolutions/goals this month. I've been consistent in getting out there at least 3 times a week and also trying very hard not to put a huge amount of pressure on myself. I felt good! And surprisingly relaxed about how to tackle everything from getting us ready and out the door in record times to the big 'uh-oh' moments that would come stumbling our way. This was a big first--woo hoo! 2011 was starting out on the right foot!

My other first was taking a cross-training class. April, being the amazing and uber savvy woman she is, found one being offered every weekend in January for FREE. How could anyone turn that down?! We dragged ourselves out of bed on chilly mornings and took part in what was to make us stronger and more efficient runners (read=a good ass-whooping!). After warm-ups, we did circuits of mountain climbers, planks, sit-ups, push-ups, burpees, squats...if it made us whine and grunt to the end, the trainer made us do it! I won't lie in that the first class almost paralyzed me. I was a little too eager to strut my stuff on planks and squats and it left me beyond sore for 3 days (and by that 3rd day I was kinda liking being sore because that meant I was getting stronger...or so I told myself). We were sad to see it end but walked away with some great tips and advice on how to just work in something different a few days a week. We're hoping to catch up again with the trainer and see if he'll coach us as a group. We'll keep you posted.

I had missed out on one of the training sessions because we headed on down to SoCal for a little vacay. In the itinerary was 3 days at Disneyland so I didn't put too much pressure on myself to work out before because walking around aimlessly in the park could burn some serious calories! But a fire was lit under me and we hadn't been at our destination more than a day and a half and I was chomping at the bit to get to the fitness center. Yes, you heard me right...I haven't wanted to get back on a treadmill so badly as I did during the trip. I kept telling myself that I must be sick. A treadmill is boring. SoCal peeps are gonna be watching me sweat buckets and pound along on that thing. Suddenly, I didn't care. I just wanted to be one with the treadmill. It had a built-in TV screen (goes to show you how long I've been on a treadmill), a place to hook up my iPod if I wanted and best of all it could push me harder than my own mind could (as long as I kept my fingers off the pause button and I did). I caught up on the top 20 videos/music singles of the week (and took notes on which songs need to be added to my playlist) or whatever episodes I missed of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, all while also marking my first long run of the year (yes, it was only 4 miles, but hey, I could've done nothing). I was sad to leave but we already have another trek planned in April so I won't be gone too, too long.

So there you have it...my firsts this year. The momentum has slowed a bit as the viruses have made their presence known and chaos has once again turned me upside down. Luckily, the gorgeous California 'winter' weather is keeping this chin up!

Reflections & Resolutions

Ah, it's that time of year again. Christmas has come and gone...the mad chaos of the holidays ended as quickly as it came. So now I'm left with thinking of what to do next. As I was reading through my stocking stuffer Runner's World magazine, I kept thinking back to January 2010. The girls and I had started to exchange emails, FB posts and texts about who was running when and where and how the training was going. I really didn't kick start my training for SJR until March which meant I wasn't running more than once or twice a week until then. But I remembered how much I was running during the training and that I was running through the whining and griping of not just my own voice in my head but that of one (or sometimes 2) four year olds sitting in the Beast until I put in my mileage. I tried to think about how I got myself through all the times of self-doubt, heavy legs and whatever other excuse or distraction was looming over me at the time. And one thing kept popping up: it was April & Rachel. Without their motivation and support, I don't think I would've given it the extra push. They have brought out something in me that I really didn't know (or still don't know) existed: a love for running.

If you couldn't tell already, I am really very hard on myself. I am constantly comparing my looks, actions, accomplishments and failures to others. And then I make it worse by wondering what I should be doing to be like them so I don't have to suffer through it over and over. I don't know why I like to torture myself this way but I do. It drives my husband nuts...heck, it drives me nuts, too. But put me next to the girls on an open trail with all the days/weeks/months of gossip, gripes, and latest People magazine cover stories, and I no longer think about the insecurities. There, we are all the same. Three women just putting one foot in front of the other all while enjoying some laughs, asking for advice, and talking about that well-deserved coffee at the end. I feel at home with them there. While we all have different paces, it doesn't matter when we're together. What matters is that we have not only made the time to do something we all enjoy and love, but we made the time to share it with each other. (Yes, I'm also a sentimental and mushy kinda gal.) They've helped me realize that it doesn't matter what my pace is or how many water breaks I take or that I can't really talk and run at the same time. It's all about how I feel in the end. And I do love that running makes me feel more clear, level-headed and energized.

This past year was by far the most accomplished I have felt in a very long time when it comes to running. The amount of time and sweat I poured into training for the 2nd half marathon was unlike anything I had done before. I look forward to doing it all again and while not trying to completely overwhelm myself in the training process, up the ante. My 2011 running resolution is consistency (and hopefully adding in speed). I know that if I can remain as consistent as last year (and more) that I can accomplish even the bigger prize: a (better) PR. Because if I remain consistent, I'm hoping that will lead to more running dates {hint, hint} and that will in turn give me the extra push I need.

Happy New Year--and I look forward to some great runs! :)

All I want for Christmas

Just a few things that I want for Christmas:

New shoes and these are the ones I'm currently running in and wouldn't mind either the same pair or if the newer version works, I'll take a pair of those

And a few more pairs of these since the dryer monster ate one of each style I had (so yes, I run with mismatched socks): 

A new one of these (but preferably in a different color than black): 

I love this top (thanks to April for showing it to me):

And because a girl can dream can't she? 

Best laid plans...sort of a vent

Ever have those moments where everything was going just smoothly until BAM! You've hit the biggest pothole known to man and it's thrown you for the biggest loop, you don't know up from down? Well, that's how I've been feeling lately. I took another break from running. Yup, did my usual in letting myself take back seat. I didn't beat myself too much over it because it's that time of year with the holidays and all its craziness. I would do whatever I could squeeze in and try not to complain too much about missing workouts.

I did one workout last week to jumpstart myself and clear my head. I needed to recalibrate my Nike+ and since I got a little irritated at it not calibrating an EASY 1/4 mile walk, I turned it off and just went on my merry way. Two days later, I went for a run. My head was in a bit of a fog and I felt in funk so I just went out with the thought process of 'I don't care about my pace. I don't care about the distance. I *do* care about going for 30 minutes.' And I did. I went out hard. Had my lungs and my legs burning in no time. I even puttered out so I couldn't run up the hill back home, but I didn't care. I got out there and did what I told myself to do. All was good & I felt so much better.

Now this is where my best laid plans get all screwy. Planned a weekend run with my good buddies but other things got in the way (too personal to discuss here). I had planned to go out that day before the rain started and nasty tummy bug hit one of my little guys. No sleep, constantly doing the laundry and a few extra showers to get the funk out were the only things on the agenda. When I finally got some decent sleep that night (or what I thought was decent sleep), I was woken up by my husband in excruciating pain on his way to the ER for another bout of kidney stones. Rescheduled run for Sunday was put off one more day in hopes that the pain meds would keep him comfortable, the little one had kept more food down than in previous hours, and that I could get a little more rest.

Well, today looked to be promising but we spent more than half the day in the ER and the kids are as needy as ever seeing that mommy & daddy haven't been around much in the past 2+ days. I am beyond exhausted. I could've thrown on my running shoes after finally getting the kids to bed an hour after lights were turned out, but instead I use what little energy I have left to jot down my thoughts.

I often wonder when it's times like these where I have started to get myself into a good head space and my body is feeling nothing but greatness, why I can't catch that dang break. Why do I have to be broken down and run (no pun intended) on fumes? I get that in our crazy busy lives of being SAHM or working moms that we need to make time for ourselves, but do I really need an extra double-dose of stress to work around? It's so hard to keep telling myself that 'this, too, shall pass' and to just 'try, try again'. I'm tired. I'm burned out from burned out. And at this point, all I want for Christmas is dang sleep.

Vent over.

Friday 5: Running Edition

5 races I have started & finished:
* Primo's Run 10K (2002)
* Devil Mountain Run 5K (2004, I think)
* Grape Stomp 1/2 Marathon (2009)
* See Jane Run 1/2 Marathon (2010)
* Grape Stomp 10K (2010)

5 songs that I always listen to while running:
* Beautiful Day by U2
* Pump It by Black Eyed Peas
* Rush from the So I Married an Axe Murderer soundtrack
* Hey Baby by No Doubt
* My Life Would Suck Without You by Glee cast

5 things I think about to distract me:
* My to-do list after I stretch & shower
* What amazing and completely fattening meal I would love to indulge in (usually it's a big plate of fettuccine alfredo)
* My breathing
* My next race
* My pace...but concentrating on this too much gets the best of me.

5 things I have when I run (other than the bare necessities of clothes & shoes):
* Depending on the time of the run, the Beast (and could be half or fully loaded)
* iPod
* Phone
* A Gu Chomp
* Keys

5 races I'd love to do:
* WDW Princess Half Marathon
* Disneyland Half Marathon
* A RnR series (been regretting not signing up for it this year)
* Bay to Breakers (again another one that I didn't get to participate in this year)
* Nike Women's Half (don't think I could ever be convinced to do a full)

Grape Stomp: One year later

What a year it's been! This past Sunday marked our one year race-iversary (Rachel came up with the fabulous term and it's stuck!). April & I (with Rachel in spirit) ran the 10K portion of the race this year as a way to commemorate all that we've done. Going into this race, I just wanted to beat a PR from 8 years ago. It seemed silly to think about at first because a lot had happened in 8 years, mainly the fact that I was heavier, with 2 kids, and just a fraction of the time to train for this than I did for that one. But I so badly just wanted a better time. I wanted to really prove to myself and everyone else that I can run faster. 

I didn't really remember much of this race. As we got together afterwards for brunch, we all agreed that we were overwhelmed with excitement and nerves to remember anything but our finishes. The first noticeable difference was that registration was full. April technically didn't register to run it, but it wasn't like they were really strict about checking for bibs or chips. And the race occurred on a public trail so she would've joined me at any point in the race. The next big thing was that the forecast was incredibly different than last year. We're pretty sure it was warm then...but we had a huge storm brewing. It was forecasted to be wet & windy. Luckily, we only had the windy part as the rain came just after I crossed the finish line. 

We made our way to the starting line and I was so anxious to get this going. It really didn't help that they started all the races late. But we were off--and we snaked our way in and out of the walkers in front and to get out onto the trail itself. I knew I'd start off fast--heck I was with April! I also knew that I could slow her down if need be (maybe she'll chime in and let me down easy with when I did that). ;) Soon we passed mile 1...then the sprinting 5K'ers came yelling through..and then, holy crap: we were halfway there! I felt pretty damn amazing until about 4+ miles. I grabbed some water to cut the nasty taste in my mouth. I had mentally beat myself up for not bringing a GU Chomp or even a piece of candy. I have never felt so queasy ever on a run! Really I wouldn't have kept going if it weren't for April. Sure I was slowing my pace, but as we kept going I somehow put the feelings aside. I had to--I had a number in my head. The finish line was SO, so close! 

She pulled away at the parking lot and I did my best to put it all out there. I did...then I saw the time: 1:19:--. I immediately thought, 'Well there goes that personal best' followed by the ever so classy, 'F!#$'! I heard Rachel and my other friend, Lisa cheering me on but I was already defeated. I felt so bad. I thought I really had done it. I hadn't run and kept up with April (without a stroller to slow her down either) in so long. Why didn't my time show me that? 

They hadn't posted results quickly enough and the storm was coming. We hurried out of there to enjoy the rest of our celebrating. Fast forward to later that day when I googled the results. This popped up: 

1:11:04

I did it! I did it! I did it! I had forgotten that we started 8 minutes later than we were supposed to. I had successfully beaten my 10K time from 2002. It wasn't *the* number in my head, but it was 5+ minutes faster than the other. And I was completely in shock & so, so happy! 

So here we all are a year later. We're still running. We're faster. And we're still planning our future races (can you say Disneyland?!). I sit here trying to write something awesome to finish this off, but I apologize, I'm distracted by that amazing, bold number that's flashing right in front of me. :) 

Reflections {part one}

It's hard to believe that one year ago this coming weekend, the 3 of us crossed the finish line of our very first half marathon. Since then, we've logged on many more miles and captured some of our very best PRs. As I went for my 5-miler earlier this week, I kept thinking about the past couple of years. We all took an idea and literally ran with it. No huge goals were set, just the simple one of 'don't die'. We celebrated any and all accomplishments along the way. And what has surprised me most of all, is that I am still running (and that if you run enough you will inevitably start to eat bananas coming from the person who really didn't like to eat them). 


I've always known that running has made me feel better but little did I know how it would really change me. I went from really dreading any sort of workout to desperately trying to find some time to put in a mile or two. It clears my head like no other workout can. I'm able to put aside some everyday stresses and worries just so I have that coveted me time. I can't take long breaks from running. It drives me crazy. I start craving that hard workout. There are times when there is nothing more satisfying than just going out and coming back completely covered in sweat but wearing it all with a HUGE grin on my face. I'll even start dreaming about running if go too long without them. No matter how hard I try to push it to the back burner, it all comes back with a big, 'I told you so'. 


My expectations for Sunday's race aren't big. Just the usual, don't get hurt and run to have fun. To be honest I am more looking forward to some bigger races with the girls in the coming year. As grueling as the training can be, it's the end result that I love. That feeling that, yes, I can do anything. And yes, I can do the one thing that I think I cannot do. I've said it once and I'll say it again, I wouldn't be where I am today as a runner, if it weren't for April & Rachel.

If you can't run...just DANCE!

I (once again) made the mistake of sleeping through an alarm to run this morning before it got hot out. I knew getting out on a Monday after a pretty productive weekend was a crapshoot but I was optimistic anyway. As I was driving kiddo numero dos to school, I had my XM radio tuned to my favorite station, channel 8 (the 80s station). Yes, I am a child of the 80s. Love 80s music. Grew up on all those fabulous 80s sitcoms and can still remember what my favorite commercials and jingles are. I know some people can only take so much of hearing Toni Basil's "Mickey" or Rick Springfield's "Jessie's Girl" but not me. Those are the songs that get me moving. I had the sheer delight of hearing one that transported me back to 1987 today. The song was "Wipeout" by The Beach Boys & The Fat Boys. We had moved to NorCal from SoCal. It was a hard move on us kids. I could see me & my siblings in some amazing hypercolor t-shirts (remember those?) with some equally amazing acid wash jean shorts. We missed being close to the beach (although for years I thought the beach was hours away since that's what my parents told me--a story for another day), spending days at Disneyland or Universal Studios or hanging out at South Coast Plaza. I turned up the radio loud...but not too loud that I wouldn't get to enjoy it over the protests coming from the back seat. I started bouncing around in my seat---even got the kiddo to wave his hands in the air and bob his head back and forth. The fun didn't stop there...Madonna's "Like a Virgin" was next...I moved to my other favorite station the 90s after that to change it up and got transported to my high school days with some Green Day. I could get used to this...and then I realized, well duh, no run might mean it's a dance party kind of day!

So here I am at home writing this little bit on the computer with my Sirius on in the background. With every song that comes on, I am immediately transported back to some fun times and I'm moving like none other! But with all of this comes some warning, I really can't dance if I tried. Sure I can mimic the moves of Milli Vanilli and the good ol' Running Man, but that's about it. Most times my moves look like something out of Night at the Roxy or SNL's Spartan cheerleaders. If you are a friend and usually go by my usual stomping grounds, don't give me the side eye or laugh when you see me stopping in tracks and busting out some crazy and so not worthy of So You Think You Can Dance moves on the trail or sidewalk. Instead why don't you join me because it's not a dance party if I am the only one having fun!! 

Gotta run  Vogue, will you join me?! 

Feeling left out (and kinda emotional)

I had a bit of a pity party going on with myself over the weekend. A few FB friends mentioned upcoming races and a twinge (ok not a twinge) of sadness came over me. I had decided to not enter into a fall half marathon race partly because I knew the summer would yield not very good training runs with the plans I had and that (sadly), money was an issue. But no matter what, I would continue to cheer on my best running buddies and whenever they wanted an easy (and I emphasize the word easy as my runs are basically walks to them now) and some time to chat, I would be there to pound the pavement with them. While I am entered in a race at the end of October, a sort of anniversary marker of our 1st half together coupled with celebrating someone's birthday on race day, I still feel left out. I have missed the camaraderie of our long runs, laughing or venting about the week's events and the beloved and well-deserved coffee pit stop at the end. I miss throwing out my own pats on the back for accomplishing a long run after an awful week with my best buds. And even though I could sit here and stew about it all, I remind myself of how far I have come with (or without) them. What's been amazing about my running buddies is that no matter where I am in training or not training, they'll join me and check up on me. They will continue to lift me up and encourage me to do anything or nothing. It looks like I have just talked myself out of my funk and into some warm & fuzzy good feelings at all the fun we have had along the way. :)

Guess I just needed to get this out there and again tell you two (and anyone else that's reading) how much I admire and am inspired by you both. Your half is coming up this weekend and I know that some incredible PRs will be made. :)

10 Things in 10 Minutes

These were just some of the things/questions/conversations going through my head in the 10 minutes it took me to find my groove and glance down and realize I was half-way done with my run.

* Great job--got yourself out of the house and halfway down the street. You can do this for at least 2 more songs.

* Hmm, why does my running skirt feel like it's falling down? It didn't feel big when I put it on...great. This will be interesting. (Start tugging and pulling up every few feet...)

* Did I use enough Glide? Oh dear, is that chafing I'm starting to feel?

* Cute dog, wonder how long s/he has been running alongside the owner? S/he looks like they are about to keel over. If they can hang, so can I.

* Ok, seriously running skirt?! This is almost as bad as the riding up of shorts!

* Hello, (down)hill---be kind to my knees and look good on my pace. ;)

* Glad I had that Chomp and bit of Gatorade...my shade is gone and I'm feeling really hot and kinda yucky. Pull through...it's not that bad. Make it to the next tree.

* Ooh, good Glee song is on! Should I sing? What if I forget to breathe right? Wait, what are those words again? "Don't stop bleeding.." no, it's believing, nothing's bleeding. Now I'm wondering if I have another blister somewhere. Why did I read that silly list of misheard lyrics?!

* What should I have for lunch? Hummus & veggies? Hummus with pita chips? Chips and veggies? Mmm, chips. And cheese. Yup, nachos. Nachos sound so good right now. And a little fro-yo to cool me down afterwards, too. Did I just see a roach coach drive by?

* Ok I think I need to turn around....has been 10 minutes yet? (look down at iPod--it's been 11 minutes) YES halfway done...turn around and faced with going back UP the hill I came down. Son of a...ok, I can do this. Come on music, bring me home! (A little Pump It by Black Eyed Peas did the trick)

And there you have it. I didn't really want to run today. I'm tired. I had two fun and very late nights in a row. My boys were unforgiving and woke up extra early to boot. But I did it. I'm glad I did and nice to know that I can entertain myself for at least 2 miles. ;) 

Dusting myself off...

There's a reason why I've been MIA. Actually many reasons...but the main one is that I fell off the running wagon. I fell so far off, the wagon is clear across the country and who knows how I can get back on. I really don't know why I did this to myself. I loved the camaraderie, the runner's high and just knowing that I had that time for myself. After our half in June, I felt like a million bucks. I was smiling from ear to ear for weeks. I had done something I never thought I would in a million years do AGAIN. And it was far more emotional the second time around. As the pride began to subside, I fell back into the chaos at home. Our summer was going to be filled with insane preschool schedules and a HUGE garage clean-out at my parents' house. I forced myself to become hyper-focused on the tasks ahead: to not drive (literally) myself crazy getting two kids to two different schools at two different times and to mentally and physically get myself ready for going through YEARS of stuff that 7 people can accumulate. I couldn't get myself focused back on running...it was just something that was going to take backseat until I could find my groove...

...which was last Monday. All it took was some convincing and little extra push and I got my tush out there (with a FULLY loaded Beast). My only expectation was to run 1 mile. I did it. I survived. The boys weren't too happy, but heck they probably would've been just as upset if I did a longer run. What I realized is that I really need to get better at asking for help. It was an ever so subtle cry for help that was answered with the simple email of 'let's go for a run'. No amount was too little--just the push to get me out there. And it felt good. There is a reason why the 3 of us have come together and stayed together. We have each other to lean on no questions asked, no judgment passed and nothing but all the encouragement in the world. 

So I have dusted myself off and will be ending my summer with a training schedule of getting back into the game and signing up for a 5K in September. As much as I want to conquer a particular time, all I really want to do is just get my groove back. And I hope I can be there to cheer on the other two as they reach their goals in their 3rd half marathon. :) 

One week later

It's been one week since the three of us conquered our 2nd half marathon. I had continued to ride an amazing high for quite a few days after. I was in awe of all the goals we had completed. I glowed from the ever-so-wonderful sunburn I got (lesson learned: must NOT forget sunscreen). And I still got teary-eyed as I could still hear the cheers crossing that finish line. 


I've taken a week off from any sort of running and I can already feel the itch to get back out there. How is it that at one time in my life I shot down any and all suggestions that running was FUN? I can say that I miss just knowing that all I have to do is to go out and see how far and how long I can go. I miss our group runs--it really is the best therapy. And I miss the anticipation of another event to look forward to (or dread depending on my mood). I guess I am leaving that door wide open for some arm-twisting to sign up for a Fall race. Oh dear. Did I just say that?? ;) 

Isn't it purdy?!

Isn't it purdy?

I did it...again. All the excitement, nerves and HARD work certainly paid off. While I am my own worst critic, I only shaved off 13 minutes from the half last October. It wasn't as much as I wanted, but in the end I felt stronger, more confident, and empowered to beat that time (when? I have no idea--but I will be shooting for 2:20 for my next race). 


This race meant so much to me. Last year, I was in a different place. I was running to focus back on me. I wanted to lose myself in the runs rather than losing myself in grief. I wanted so badly to have something else take the place of the pain I was feeling and sure enough wearing the wrong shoes, running in HOT weather, and being a 1st-timer, I accomplished that. But it was more than that, I had two wonderful friends show me something that I didn't know existed. Being with them showed me that yes, I could do what I thought was unthinkable. I could finish a half marathon. It didn't matter if I ran a quarter of it or not, the fact that I started it AND finished it was an accomplishment in itself. They were there to listen to me whine, lift me up when I was feeling down, and cheer me on whenever I passed a HUGE milestone. 


I ran this race with some of the most special women in my life in mind. I ran for April & Rachel. I wanted to prove to them that no matter how big or small my goals, I could do it. I have such admiration for all they do. It was a way for me to honor them. I ran for my mom. She helped me through some of my long runs and she helped me through this one. She is my guardian angel and I hope that I can make her proud for all of my accomplishments. I ran for my sisters, my mother-in-law and several friends, who have all been through so many different life experiences---and each of them handled theirs with amazing strength and grace. It was for ALL of these women and more that I ran for. 


I was an emotional mess as I turned that corner and saw the big FINISH archway. It had all come down to this. Hundreds of screaming people pushing me on--and the loudest of the bunch: April & Rachel. They knew I'd be sobbing--heck I was already teary at mile 4! I can't put into words all the amazing feelings I had. I am humbled that I can finally consider myself a runner. I still have my moments where I don't think I belong alongside them and they are there to knock some sense back into me. I am just eternally grateful for everything they have done to help me realize who I am and what I mean to people. 


And to all the other women in my life: I really couldn't have done it without you all. You all mean so much to me that I hope to continue to honor you in whatever way I know how. The sweat, pain, and tears are worth every bit for having you all in my life. 


Now, let's do this again EVERY year. :)