Mermaid Half Marathon Race Report

I have started and deleted this post so many times...

I went into this race with completely mixed feelings: unsure of my training, not as confident as usual, excited to get it over with. Life proved to be a major training obstacle this go round. I knew that training for a race that fell immediately following the end of basketball season would be hard and it was.

I went into the training strong. Cross training. Strength training. Long runs early. And then our car broke down. Our sitter became consistently unavailable. Testing and evaluations really picked up for the big kiddo. Fundraising and end of the season events picked up for the Husband. The little kiddo decided he wanted to make the 2's fun for EVERYONE. It was a constant state of overwhelming obstacles and challenges with very little reprieve. And all the while I was trying to push my body and mind further and harder than ever before and REALLY train for this race. Naturally, it wasn't possible. Something had to give. It did. I got sick. Missed a full week of training only three weeks before the race. With the momentum I had gained in the weeks before went my confidence.

I picked up as much mileage as I could pre-race and woke up race day having no idea what to expect. Hoping Rachel, Melissa, and I could push through. Finish together. Watch Rachel get her elusive sub-2. It was COLD. And then the start was pushed back 5 minutes. Then 15 more minutes. Then 10 more minutes. I am not an elite, world record setting athlete but I time my meals and water according to the start time. Plan out my Gu stops and water breaks. It all helps the mental aspect of running. Type A personality: check.

Initially I thought I would hold back. Race for fun. Save the legs for the See Jane Run Half in three weeks. Put a bib on me, surround me with racers, and holding back isn't something I can easily do. I had a game plan: sub-2, average sub 9 min/miles, and attempt to pick it up at the end. I am a terrible pacer. Have no clue what the minutes feel like and often just run with my body setting the pace. My splits are typically all over the board.

The three of us started out strong. Holding on to our 8:30-ish pace. We lost Rach, boo, no team finish. Melissa and I fell into a comfortable pace. And ran, and ran, and ran. It had to have been one of the most BORING courses I've ever run. I find my home route more interesting. And more FLAT. I did, however, find it inspiring to be surrounded by so many women completing the same challenge. All different goals. All different levels. All different stories, I am sure. But we were all THERE. Doing it. We all made it to the start line, which is a HUGE victory in and of itself.

I know there are women who run in spite of circumstances far more difficult than mine. I know there are women who are running who have far less time: Rachel and Melissa inspire me daily. I know there will always be women who run faster and further. But I also know that today, for this race, I was among them, running with them, running as far as them.

I hit a wall shortly after mile 10. My longest run to date before the race was 10 miles. I had no idea what to expect. I immediately began thinking of my boys. Repeating their names over and over. Repeating to myself that I want them to SEE a strong mom, one who works hard to meet a goal, one who doesn't give up, one who can push through...and make it to the finish line. One who always finishes something she starts. I know they will face hard times, numerous challenges, they will have times when they want to give up and they'll likely turn to me. I want to be sincere and true when I tell them to keep going. I don't want to be a hypocrite. Running has given me immense strength. Training for months on end is not easy. Running itself is not easy. But the rewards, the feeling as I turned the corner to see the finish line...priceless. And worth the pain, sacrifice, and hard work.

It was a very emotional finish for me.

I knew I had PR'd. I was happy. And so so so sore. As we were shopping away at the shirt table, the age group awards were being handed out. NEVER in my wildest dreams did I ever think my name would be called. Sure enough I hear an award going to a 32 year old woman from my hometown. And she even has the SAME name. Get out. Third place in my age group. Unreal.

Half marathon number six in the books. PR. 3rd place finish in age group. Don't think I could have asked for more.

While I walked away giddy and excited, I also walked away mentally and physically drained. A long winter and fall at home, long three months of training...not sure what my next running move is going to be.

Facing the hard truth

It's not easy admitting you're wrong or have failed. Look through my latest blog posts and you'll see that behind each one I'm hiding something. I hid behind accomplishments and kept from you and myself the truth that I wasn't doing what I set out to do. I thought that if I just kept up the optimism and enthusiasm I had at the beginning of the year through all my hardships then it can only get better, right? But I was wrong. There needed to be more than that. There needed to be an ongoing change. So I lied to myself and didn't accept the changes--the positive or negative ones. And here I am, less than a month away from another half marathon race and I have failed. I have failed in that I was not consistent. I was not dedicated and I didn't accept any of the changes that came my way. So what do I do now? I've owned up to the big mistake of slacking. There's no turning the time clock back but I can keep moving forward. I will do my best with what I have given myself. I already know that a PR is highly unlikely and it will be disappointing but I know that not even starting that race will be more disappointing. I will continue to follow the mileage that's been planned out for me via my Runners World SmartCoach app, but beyond that I think my future as a runner is uncertain. What I do know is this: I love running. It gives me a break from my every day craziness. But there are many days where I don't love it. It's those days where I face my biggest fears and some harsh truths. I just don't hate it enough to give it up. Will it need to more races in my future? Who knows--but I think the first step is to set the goals that will help me succeed in being a dedicated runner.

I just finished reading John Bingham's No Need for Speed: A Beginner's Guide to the Joy of Running. Quite honestly the timing of me opening this book and reading it in one sitting couldn't have been better. Everything he writes about was basically right where I have been stuck at for probably pretty much the entire time I've been running. I was moved to tears many times throughout the book. In such a short time I have already taken so much away from his advice. I may not hit that goal I set out months ago, but there is another goal ready to take its place. And that goal should be celebrated just as much as any other. This has been a long process for me and quite possibly a never-ending one. One of his many passages have stuck with me, but for today this is the one that is keeping me focused:

"When we reject the obsession with what we wish we were and focus on what we are, the joy will follow."

Week of tweaking

I've been stuck in low mileage runs for a long time. It was a comfort thing in that I knew I could at least get 2 miles in and still have time to tackle the never-ending to-do list. I have 3 training calendars (hey, I need the accountability, right?) where I have put certain mileage points on to help motivate and get me going further. I decided to take that leap this past week and jump to 4 miles.

On Monday, I was almost the solo runner for a group run at the local running store. The store employee very kindly mapped out a 4 mile out & back...the kicker? HILLS. A *big* hill. AND she wanted me to do it TWICE. I took a deep breath and without thinking twice, shrugged my shoulders and said, 'Why not?' It wasn't until I was starting to stretch that the butterflies came creeping in. I just wanted to up the ante to 4 miles...not throw in a hill repeat. Oh well--you gotta do what you gotta do to get over that slump. I challenged myself and went out and got it done. I have to admit I felt pretty damn proud of myself. :)

Usually if I get that one good run in, I start to quickly get sucked into life and will put off future workouts. Rain didn't help with that for my next scheduled run...but the next day, I went out and did it again. Another 4 miler--this time I wanted to see what I could change in my form. I haven't had my gait or running form analyzed by a professional, but I know that when I get tired or sluggish I can feel it all around. So in my start I didn't go charging down the road like I usually do. I went slllllllllooooooooooooooooooow. I felt great and was getting into a great rhythm. And if you can believe it, my 'slow' pace was actually turning out to be a faster one than my usual. As I'm chugging along I noticed that my jaw was starting to stick out and my neck muscles tensed--which usually leads to me hunching up my shoulders then my entire upper body is a big knot of tense muscles. I relaxed my jaw, gave my arms a shake and focused on just what was in front of me. Every so often I'd snap out of the negative thoughts that started to creep in and do a quick check of unclenched fists, jaw in line, and shoulders down. It sounds silly but it really worked. After that run, I wasn't nearly as sore or tight the next day.

My final tweak of the week: going LONG. And by long, I meant I was going for a 5 mile run. This was the first one since my 10K in October. I know, sad right? I know I can run that distance...I just don't do it enough. And because I don't do it enough---I consider myself slower than molasses and why bother with a long run when I know I can get a 2 miler done much quicker. With a 'no excuses' mantra going through my head at the moment combined with excitement and some stored energy I went for it. My only downfall was electronic...my Nike+ GPS decided to end the workout before it was time. It put a damper on things and I swore at the dang thing the entire way home, but I got it done. Of course looking back, I was silly to get so riled up at that thing. I knew I went the distance...I didn't need the computer to tell me so.

In hindsight, this was probably one of the best running weeks I've had in a long time. Just a couple of tweaks and it all added up to some great changes and results. I'm trying not to get overconfident but I am feeling stronger these days. I can tackle slightly more on my already full plate. I believe the race is maybe 6 weeks away...I'm too scared to look at that part of my calendar. Hopefully some more tweaking will help me overcome that fear. :)

When life gives you lemons...

you take a week off.

The last few weeks have been incredibly stressful for me. Between work, the commute, my husband's ridiculously long hours at work, sick kids, lack of sleep, etc. etc. etc., I have hardly had a chance to squeeze in a run. Let alone multiple runs that I should be doing since we are 5 weeks away from race day.

This last week has been a doozy. And, while my gym bag is sitting on the floor of my office, I just couldn't find the time or motivation to head upstairs to the gym.

So, rather than feeling guilty about it, I am going to give myself this week as a rest week. Probably not the best idea since, again, the race is 5 weeks away, but I am feeling confident in my mileage and stamina and know I will cross that finish line, hopefully with a PR.

Lighting the fire in me

Here I am again...dusting myself off and getting back out there. It seems like it's been forever. And if you look at my stats via DailyMile & Nike+ GPS, it has been a long time. But I can either sit here and continue to hem and haw while getting myself worked up over the glaring training plan staring at me, or actually do something about it. I chose to do something about it.

I had to look long and hard at my training plan since I haven't kept up with it lately. And then I had to re-evaluate what I really wanted my goals to be for the upcoming 1/2 marathon and just with my running as a whole. I needed to stop comparing myself to other runners and focus on ME. I basically started to get depressed and it took a beating on my self-esteem. I almost started to resent running and wanted to give it up but deep down wasn't willing to throw in the towel completely. I know what I can do. It's just a matter of keeping those goals and focus on how much I have accomplished and continue to push on.

So Sunday was the start to a new week and the weekend was our first decent break from the nasty rainy weather we had been having. I basically psyched myself up all morning to get up the nerve and motivation to open the front door and just do it. I was more nervous about having to just walk the entire workout than anything. While getting any miles in is a huge accomplishment just thinking of walking made me feel like a failure. I put on some tunes, focused on the horizon and took in my surroundings. Suddenly, I had been jogging for more than 1/2 a mile. Then I heard the kind lady tell me I was more than halfway through my run. I was no longer anxious over the 'what ifs'. Instead I was focused on getting it done. And I did...and I was so, so happy and relieved.

I continued to ride the new wave that started to come over me and joined a small women's running group on Monday. They've been doing a group fun run every Monday for months but in true Erica fashion, I was too chicken and nervous to try it out. I know I needed it--it would keep me consistent and since it was very laid back there is no pressure. I *loved* it! The women were so nice and there were no expectations on a particular pace or distance. Most of us (there were 6 total and the first time they have had that many) stuck to just an out & back 2 miler. We all briefly chatted about our weekends, some aches & pains and what our plans were for future races. The weather was perfect and I am really looking forward to future runs with them.

I'm not too sure what it is exactly that has lighted the fire within me. Maybe I needed the extra push? A break? Both? In any case, this week is turning out to be one of the best running weeks I have had in a very long time. I'm hitting not only my mileage goals but some great times considering I have to use 2 inhalers until further notice (still something I'm not happy about but I'd rather be able to breathe & run than not doing anything). Let's hope it continues this way and only gets better. I've been leaning a lot on my running buddies and continue to be grateful for them sticking with me as go through this.

Rest, what's that?

Rest? Ha! Clearly that word just isn't in the vocabulary of a mom.

The latest dilemma was getting sick...again. This cold & flu season has been brutal for everyone. The boys got it first and ended up giving it to me. It landed us all in the doctor's office last week. The bad news came in that my asthma isn't under control and I needed to add another inhaler to the mix (on top of some other meds for the upper respiratory infection I had). Talk about feeling defeated. I had gone so long in getting it under control that the last thing I wanted was to add an inhaler back to the mix. Bah. My doc saw the look of defeat in my eyes and told me above all the meds she was giving me, the biggest one was to REST. Seems easy, right? Not really...not when you have 2 miserable and sick kiddos who want nothing more than mommy to make them feel better. Or the fact that her REST Rx means taking off of running for at least 2-3 weeks when you know that you are almost down to less than 3 months from race day. How the heck am I going to do this knowing every day is one day less in my training? 

I'm starting to panic and get anxious. Again, the words just keep echoing: REST. You won't do yourself, your family and certainly your training any good without it. So each day I'm doing just that. Resting. I'm trying not to focus on my training calendar that has notes of 'sick day' instead of notes of how I felt after or during a run. I'm instead filling it up with some motivational quotes and anything to keep my chin up. Maybe it's time to start a countdown on the calendar of when I can work towards an actual run?! In any case, during this rest period I'm doing a lot more soul-searching. I can't really put my finger on it but something has been holding me back from pushing myself. Is it fear of failure? Probably. Is it laziness? Hmm, not sure. Low self esteem? Lack of confidence? Pretty good chance those are some factors, too. I gave myself small goals just so I could try to stay on track. And maybe in doing that, I set myself up for never really taking a chance.

I do know this: I have overcome so many things in recent years. It wasn't that long ago that getting myself up in the morning to face a day where all I really wanted to do was wallow in sadness or crawl into a hole and never come out was really the only goal I had. I just need to dig a little deeper and find that spark that will get me to my next goal. It's not going to be an easy road (and I wouldn't expect it to). It's just another road that will take me a little longer to navigate through. 

How do they do it?

I have a hard time turning my brain off of all the 'what ifs', 'what I need to do', and 'oh crap, I forgot to do that' thoughts. Sometimes it really bothers me that I just can't enjoy my moments of silence or just some down time. It's especially frustrating when it's on one of my runs that I so desperately have a hard time getting out and doing in the first place. I often wonder whether it be on a run or during a little stretching session at home or DVD workout, how do they do it? And by 'they' I mean, how do other moms, working or SAHM, get out there and do it all when you have been up all night with a little one--especially when it's several nights in a row?
This is more of my vent, or whine if you will of the past 2 weeks or so. First it was me that caught some bug. I lost my voice for probably the 2nd time in my life and with it came an annoying tickle cough (annoying enough to have me use my stinking inhaler that I hate). Finally got some life back in me and last week made it back out there. Then kiddo #1 has a growth spurt...a pretty big one and with that comes a week or so of not-so-great sleep. We have these cycles every few months and I should be used to them but I'm not. And if the ultra crap-tastic sleep weren't enough, now kiddo #1 has the beginnings of a yet another bug.
So I ask, how do they do it? I'm getting super crappy sleep, have one super needy, clingy and sick kiddo, and another kiddo who just feeds off it and wants more attention than the other. I feel like I'm in a constant battle of trying to balance who gets what first and that always leads to me giving up something for myself. I feel incredibly guilty if I choose to do something for myself for 15 minutes. I know that I am harder on myself than I should be, but I just want to see an end in sight for all the crappy bumps that are screwing with my training plans. I know I still have time, but dangnabit, I'm impatient. And a worrier. And knowing there is a goal to reach and time slipping away from me I can't help but continue to think about how do they do it?